I Have No Idea What I’m Doing. But Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day.

Day 78

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have a clue. I started this 100 Naked Words Challenge with a vague goal of getting better at writing. I wanted to get out of a rut. How do I feel 78 days later? Honestly?

Still in a rut — though of a different variety.

Sure, I’ve explored some different styles of writing. I’ve climbed down to the depths of my soul in some pieces while others, I just barely scratched the surface. I’ve done poetry, think pieces (though not as many as I’d like), satire, short stories, random thoughts. I’ve fucking cursed a fucking lot. I’ve showed emotion — the good, the bad and the fugly. I’ve had many mindless rambles. I’ve written about everything from Barack Obama to my pillow. Some days I was feeling it — especially when I had all the time in the world that one week I was on vacation. Other days it was all I could do to barely type 100 words of crap before I went to bed. Some days I missed the midnight deadline, but I never once closed my eyes to sleep until I got out my 100 Words.

I stopped caring who read what I wrote and my vulnerability improved but my quality sucked. Then I tried to care more about what people thought and my quality got a little better, but my vulnerability stalled. Through it all I’ve become a top writer in “blacklivesmatter” “racism” and “satire.” I’ve been asked to join three new publications — each time for stories that I thought were pretty stupid.

Where does that leave me? Just somewhere in the process. Rome wasn’t built in a day. We’re used to instant gratification. Everyone wants to go viral (including me), but it’s pointless if you don’t have a solid foundation that’s built off of consistent work. What am I doing here? This! This is all part of the process. I have unwavering (okay, I’m lying it wavers a lot) faith that I will get better if I keep writing. I’ve realized progress isn’t linear. Sometimes you make gains and other times you feel like you’ve taken a few steps back. What makes you strong is your ability to keep going when you feel you’ve been knocked back a bit. It might not feel like it but even when you feel like a failure who is not making progress, your decision to keep going is giving you mental fortitude you’ll need to succeed. Everyone quits. It’s the easiest thing ever. If you want something though, you just can’t.

So I won’t stop writing. And if you’re out there thinking you should, I hope this was the motivation you needed.

I know I needed it.